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Literature Text
Society is a clock,
Every person inside a wheel with knobs, settling into its own little notch
turning and turning, functioning smoothly.
People tread carefully across the death trap of gears
grinding beneath them. Every day they're working,
finding breaks, openings in which they can jump ahead
then somebody makes a mistake.
*CRUNCH*
Society is a clock-
it moves constantly moves forward,
a whole being with no thought to the individual parts,
just steadily counting off the days and years until it stops working.
origional piece:
Society is a clock.
Every minute precious, every second slipping past.
Before you know it, another hour is gone.
And you're just sitting there at your computer screen, still staring at nothing, still breathing.
Every part of society is a wheel with knobs;
Each settling into its own little notch.
Everyone treading carefully, grinding each day at their work,
Then somebody makes a mistake.
*CRUNCH*
Every person inside a wheel with knobs, settling into its own little notch
turning and turning, functioning smoothly.
People tread carefully across the death trap of gears
grinding beneath them. Every day they're working,
finding breaks, openings in which they can jump ahead
then somebody makes a mistake.
*CRUNCH*
Society is a clock-
it moves constantly moves forward,
a whole being with no thought to the individual parts,
just steadily counting off the days and years until it stops working.
origional piece:
Society is a clock.
Every minute precious, every second slipping past.
Before you know it, another hour is gone.
And you're just sitting there at your computer screen, still staring at nothing, still breathing.
Every part of society is a wheel with knobs;
Each settling into its own little notch.
Everyone treading carefully, grinding each day at their work,
Then somebody makes a mistake.
*CRUNCH*
I came up with this in the middle of last night.
And then the scene from Disney's The Incredibles showed up where the boss was talking about clocks popped into my head.
This is not meant to be off of that in any way.
For the Metaphor Workshop
EDIT 11-8-2009: I re-wrote the poem on Friday, after reading it over (I have a terrible habit of forgetting to do that), and I think that the addition of the last stanza helps to reinforce the point. I am keeping the origional poem, for now, so people have contrast. After the workshop, I will probably transfer the new poem into its own devation, if I don't forget. XD
(c)~Shadowed-Serenity
And then the scene from Disney's The Incredibles showed up where the boss was talking about clocks popped into my head.
This is not meant to be off of that in any way.
For the Metaphor Workshop
EDIT 11-8-2009: I re-wrote the poem on Friday, after reading it over (I have a terrible habit of forgetting to do that), and I think that the addition of the last stanza helps to reinforce the point. I am keeping the origional poem, for now, so people have contrast. After the workshop, I will probably transfer the new poem into its own devation, if I don't forget. XD
(c)~Shadowed-Serenity
© 2009 - 2024 Shadowed-Serenity
Comments20
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You've developed this metaphor in an interesting way – certainly not in the way I would have expected. A part of me is a little disappointed that I didn't hear about society as a time-telling device, but what I have heard - society as a piece of machinery or clockwork - is worth something too. It was fun and enjoyable to read to boot.
One of the things I particularly enjoyed about the poem was the way that certain words had meanings that seem to expand beyond the space they're put in. The word I'm looking for might be ambivalence. For example, in the fifth line you use the word 'grinding' to refer to the gears. That works well, but the word also reminds me of phrases 'daily grind' and 'nose to the grindstone', so that it makes me think of the way people work too. 'Settling into its own little notch' was similarly ambivalent. I enjoyed the ambivalence, but it is something to keep an eye on – if it is too broad, or in the wrong place, it can be very confusing.
Something that I think could be improved in this poem is the word choice – not so much in the basic meanings of the words you choose, but in the connotations of them. For instance, take the phrase “a wheel with knobs”. As a basic description of a gear, I can't fault it. However, within the poem, I would question your use of the word 'knobs'. A knob is usually blunt and often round – not so much that it's inaccurate, but enough that the images I get when reading the line don't fit with the poem. A knob is often an irregularity (think of the word 'knobbly'
– not something one would find in a machine. Other words that stuck out at me were 'constantly' and 'whole'. None of these words are outright wrong, bit it did strike me that you might consider alternatives for them.
There are two other words that I'll question: 'then' and 'just'. I'm not convinced that those words serve any purpose in the poem. I think it would flow more smoothly without them. All they do is indicate a transition, which the line break does just as well, if the reader can't imagine it anyway!
I'll touch on one more thing before I finsh off – the formatting of 'crunch'. I'm aware that it's a fairly subjective stylistic issue, but here's my tuppeny wor'. I think it's a little overdone. Capitals are rarely if ever a good idea (all caps, I mean) and the asterisks are an unusual device at best; meaningless at worst. Personally, I would be inclined to format it as Crunch and perhaps to give it its own stanza. Partly because those are more recognised poetic devices; partly because the italics relate to the way stage directions are written in a script. It is only a thought, though.
This was an interesting piece to read, and effective in conveying ideas about society. There are a few places that could be polished up some more, but I'm glad I got to read it.
One of the things I particularly enjoyed about the poem was the way that certain words had meanings that seem to expand beyond the space they're put in. The word I'm looking for might be ambivalence. For example, in the fifth line you use the word 'grinding' to refer to the gears. That works well, but the word also reminds me of phrases 'daily grind' and 'nose to the grindstone', so that it makes me think of the way people work too. 'Settling into its own little notch' was similarly ambivalent. I enjoyed the ambivalence, but it is something to keep an eye on – if it is too broad, or in the wrong place, it can be very confusing.
Something that I think could be improved in this poem is the word choice – not so much in the basic meanings of the words you choose, but in the connotations of them. For instance, take the phrase “a wheel with knobs”. As a basic description of a gear, I can't fault it. However, within the poem, I would question your use of the word 'knobs'. A knob is usually blunt and often round – not so much that it's inaccurate, but enough that the images I get when reading the line don't fit with the poem. A knob is often an irregularity (think of the word 'knobbly'
– not something one would find in a machine. Other words that stuck out at me were 'constantly' and 'whole'. None of these words are outright wrong, bit it did strike me that you might consider alternatives for them.There are two other words that I'll question: 'then' and 'just'. I'm not convinced that those words serve any purpose in the poem. I think it would flow more smoothly without them. All they do is indicate a transition, which the line break does just as well, if the reader can't imagine it anyway!
I'll touch on one more thing before I finsh off – the formatting of 'crunch'. I'm aware that it's a fairly subjective stylistic issue, but here's my tuppeny wor'. I think it's a little overdone. Capitals are rarely if ever a good idea (all caps, I mean) and the asterisks are an unusual device at best; meaningless at worst. Personally, I would be inclined to format it as Crunch and perhaps to give it its own stanza. Partly because those are more recognised poetic devices; partly because the italics relate to the way stage directions are written in a script. It is only a thought, though.
This was an interesting piece to read, and effective in conveying ideas about society. There are a few places that could be polished up some more, but I'm glad I got to read it.